Identity

I have to say I feel a certain amount of jealousy towards people that have a strong sense of identity. What do I mean by identity? Well. Knowing where you come from, what your nationality is, and where you consider your home to be.

For me, I have no easy answer to these questions. I know where I live now. I know where I have lived. But if someone were to ask me where I am from, I wouldn’t know what to say.

I guess I would respond that I live in England. But I do not consider myself to be English, despite having been born in this country. I moved to Ireland when I was almost 10 and lived there until I was nearly 20. Due to this move at a young age, my accent changed considerably. Now it is indistinct to say the least. It is neither English nor Irish. In fact normally people believe me to be North American. It puts me in a bit of an awkward position. No matter where in the world I go, people always ask me where I am from. Even after nearly 10 years of living in Ireland I would be asked this. Now that I once again live in England, I am frequently asked this as well. Perhaps with my “American” accent I would fit right into the States? Sadly these dreams were also shattered when I was informed by an American that I do not in fact sound American. I guess it must just be the untrained European ears that think so! So where do I slot in?

It does certainly make me feel a little lost. I feel like a foreigner wherever I go - even when I am at home. I also get a bit sick and tired of explaining myself every time I am asked where I am from. Sometimes I will just ask the person where they think I am from (and I have gotten some very strange suggestions might I add) and then wherever they say, I applaud them for their acute accent recognition skills! It’s just easier, particularly if you know you are not going to encounter this individual again.

I suppose the easiest way to define where a person is from would be via their nationality, ie the country that their passport represents. Unfortunately this only confuses matters further. I have a German passport as my mother is from there. So officially I am German, yet I have neither lived there, nor do I speak the language fluently. I enjoy visiting the country, but I certainly do not feel any deep connections to it and I don’t particularly envisage myself living there at any future stage.

I suspect the place where I feel most attached would be Ireland. That is where I spent my teens; I made friendships there that will last a lifetime; I feel that the majority of my happiest moments were there and I believe that I am more connected to Irish people and the Irish way of life than anywhere else in the world. I sometimes wish that I could have been born in Ireland, have proper Irish roots and sport a pretty Irish accent, as I truly would be proud to call myself such. I guess I do call myself Irish if asked, but it would be nice not to get such surprised reactions, where I am told that I “really don’t sound like it” and they “never would have guessed”.

I suppose I should just class myself as a citizen of the world. Does it really matter where I come from? I mean, does it actually say anything about my identity? Perhaps my identity is that I am reasonably unique and interesting. Many people have told me that the fact that I wasn’t born in one place and remained there for my entire life, contributed to my intriguing personality. Perhaps while I envy others’ security and certainty in knowing where they are from, they envy me for the opposite reasons? I simply don’t know.

Whatever way I look at it though, I really can't help but feel jealous.